Our Story (pt. 1): Praying & Waiting

       

   I've never really sat down and written out the whole story of how Dan and I became, well, Dan & Tara. I've written down parts for various purposes, but I'd really like to share it from beginning to end (err...present), because it's a testimony to how good our God is and how faithful he is to his children. This story helps reminds me that in any of life's circumstances when I am confused or saddened by something not turning out the way I'd hoped or planned, God always knows what's truly best for me, and if I'll trust him and wait on his timing, he'll provide it. Our story begins many years before we actually met, as the Lord had a lot of work to do in our hearts, individually, to prepare us for one another.

In 1998 I was fifteen years old, finishing up my freshman year of high school in the southwest suburbs of Chicago. I was somewhat shy, awkward, and waiting for the magical day I would turn eighteen and my life would become perfect. I was a hopeless romantic, had my entire wedding planned, down to how I would wear my hair (of course with a huge tiara as was then popular..yikes), and could not wait until I could legally get married at age eighteen. Who I thought would marry me in three short years, I have no idea. In fact, I was sure no boy had ever liked me in the history of my life, so perhaps I thought once my braces came off I would be of more marriageability. Who knows. I was also looking forward to a year from then when I was allowed to date. Again, who was going to date me? Minor detail.

  Tara- age 16 as a "princess bride," of course.

I had believed and trusted in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was eight years old, but even as a teenager, I didn't completely understand what it meant for him to be my identity and define my worth. I didn't treasure him above everything else. I didn't look to him for my joy over the opinion of man. This translated in seeking my self-worth from others. Even though I was shy and would never have even hinted to a boy that I liked him, I desperately desired for a boy to like me. This is where I now see God's amazing protection over me during these years. I had a solid head on my shoulders and was, by the grace of God, pretty mature for my age, but I would have easily given my heart away to many if they had shown any interest in me.

When I was fifteen, I was invited to attend a conference called Romance God's Way by Eric & Leslie Ludy. Immediately I connected with Leslie as she shared her story of singleness and longing for a godly husband. Eric & Leslie were probably about ten years older than me, so I really looked up to them and took their words to heart. They told the story of God's faithfulness to them and how God brought them together. They then described God's plan for not only sexual purity before marriage but emotional purity. I had never thought about that before. I knew I would save myself physically for my future husband, but I never thought twice about saving my heart for him. Something they said that really made an impact on me was (in similar words), "Think about this every time you are with someone of the opposite sex: 'If my future spouse was here right now, would he/she be uncomfortable with how I'm relating to this person?'" And Proverbs 31:12 speaks of the wife of noble character who, "does [her husband] good and not harm, all the days of her life." Wow. All the days of her life? Even the days before she meets him? They spoke of the foundation of the greatest relationship of all, one with Jesus, as being integral to any future romantic relationship. He had to be enough, even if I remained single for the rest of my life.

The Lord broke me down. I realized that I not only was giving pieces of my heart away to boys who didn't even know it, but that I was craving their attention and appraisal more than God's. I couldn't wait to be married because I thought I would feel like I was worth something great if someone else chose to love me like that, ignoring the fact that Someone had loved me so much that he died for me! I spent a lot of time in tears pouring my heart out to God and surrendering my life to him. I also knew he was calling me to surrender my future love life to him. I knew he was asking me not to date, but to wait on his perfect timing, when he would bring my future husband to me to pursue me, as Christ pursues his Bride. So, I didn't date. It was one of the hardest, and definitely the most patience-producing trials of my life, to be single and not even dating, when I would have given anything to be married at age fifteen! To this day I have still never heard him speak to my heart louder and clearer than that day.

The years to come were not easy. Sometimes I'd question whether or not God really had asked me to wait on him, or what that really looked like. I struggled immensely due to the fact that no one ever asked me out on a date or showed any interest in me until I met Dan. Do you know what that does to a teenage girl's heart? I constantly battled the thoughts of, "There must be something wrong with me," "I must not be thin enough," or "I'm definitely not pretty enough for anyone to like me." I prayed daily for the Lord to make me more attractive. I was so vulnerable. This is why I am so very thankful he protected me. Then, I thought something was wrong with me because no one ever showed any interest. Now, I see that had anyone shown interest, I would have surely given my heart away. Even though it hurt to not feel wanted all those years, I was being kept pure not only physically but in heart and mind for Dan. I thought of him constantly, even though I didn't know him. It helped me to even write letters to him when I was sad or just wanted to meet him so we could start our life together (at age sixteen..ha!). Silly me, I sealed those letters with a note that they were only to be opened by my future husband. I saved them, even though I knew they would bring me embarrassment in the years to come, and wouldn't you know, Dan opened them one at a time, each day of our honeymoon. He couldn't believe how much I was thinking and praying for him, even as a fifteen year old girl. We cried together at God's faithfulness, protection, and good plan he had for us, better than what we had hoped or prayed for. He's like that.

Stay tuned for part 2...