Biblically Affirming Our Kids

I want to start out by saying, I am no expert on parenting. I'm pretty sure I'm not an expert on anything, but I feel a responsibility to continue to learn and grow as a parent (wife, child of God, etc). So, please know I'm not judging anyone as I write this post. I'm just thinking out loud and challenging others to think about their parenting (and any other aspect of their lives) biblically, as I need to be reminded to. And obviously, in saying that, I'm mainly talking to Christians.

Time to potty like it's 1985.

I've been thinking about potty training lately, because it's getting to be that time within the next 6 months or so. In thinking about this daunting stage, I'm wondering what method we'll want to try, but also the reason behind the method. Just because potty training isn't in the Bible doesn't mean we can't have a biblical approach to potty training. The gospel should affect every area of our parenting and our lives, including potty training. I know this may sound strange, but hear me out.

I admit that often I find myself saying things to 19 month old Charlie that I have heard other parents say, without thinking about the meaning behind it or whether or not it's helpful. Reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp pointed this out in how many of us discipline our children the way the world does, because it just comes as second nature to us, as it's what we've always heard or seen done, without giving it much thought ourselves. This is true with things we say to our children on a daily basis, as well. For example, saying to your child who is fighting over a toy with another child, "Who had it first?" is missing the point of the gospel. Children don't really need to be taught about what is fair. They get pretty upset if someone takes something from them that they had "first." They do, however, need to be taught about the gospel and how that relates to sharing their toys and forgiving others when their "rights" are disregarded.

So how does this tie into potty training for us? Well, we have been thinking about not using a reward system to potty train. I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with using rewards (esp. natural, cause & effect type rewards), and there may well be a fine way to use a reward system with potty training, but we personally have decided to avoid it. Instead, we were contemplating using verbal praise and expressed excitement over potty training achievements. But then I came across a bunch of articles based on studies that found that children who were praised for their achievements or behaviors (as opposed to encouraging their efforts when warranted) were much less likely to take on challenging tasks in the future and needed continual praise from others for their self-worth. They were more likely to stick to easier tasks they knew they'd be praised and rewarded for, and they needed continual praise to do most anything. This immediately resonated with me, being a recovering perfectionist. And the following example popped into my head immediately: I did really well my freshman year of high school. I was getting all A's and some A+'s (I know, some of you don't believe in A+'s, but my school did). Grades were really important to me, and they pretty much defined my worth (in my mind). People often told me I must be smart with grades like that, which only made me more concerned about keeping up the image of being smart. Well, I was recommended to take some "Advanced Placement" classes because of my grades, but since I knew the AP classes were harder, I was afraid I wouldn't do as well. My grades and GPA might suffer! People might not think I'm smart anymore, and I'll probably let them down! So, I stuck with the normal classes I knew I would do well in. This is what these studies kept finding about children who had been overly praised for their achievements and behaviors. They only attempted something if they knew they could probably achieve it and if someone was around to notice (and praise) what they did.

Now, there is a difference between praising your child for their accomplishments and encouraging or affirming them. These studies all have the same conclusion: You should boost your child's self-esteem by using statements like, "Look what you did!" "You worked hard, you deserve it!" instead of the typical, "Great job, you're so smart!" or "Wow, you're so good at that, I'm so proud of you!" While I see the issue with the latter statements being focused on the parent's approval and the child's innate abilities they have no control over, the former seem to boost the child's ego and encourage him to focus on self. As Christians, we need to look at this with biblical eyes. This is what I'm currently praying and learning about, how to encourage and affirm my child without boosting him up to trust in himself with pride, rather than trusting in God. I know this is completely counter-cultural, but then, so is Christianity. Our children don't need self-esteem. They need God-esteem, and healthy self-worth that is based on what God has done and who God says they are. So, how do we put this into practice in our affirmations and words? I don't have all the answers. I'm just thinking through this and wanted to let you in on the thought process to encourage you to join me in thinking hard about our parenting. Even in the little things. It's so easy to praise Charlie and tell him all about how smart he is, because he's my son! But just because it's second nature doesn't mean it's helpful. I've caught myself saying to him, "What a good boy!" and then immediately I cringe. Is this biblically accurate or helpful? Is this what the gospel says- that when I do good things I'm good and when I do bad things, I'm bad? Should I portray such enthusiasm when he exhibits an outward behavior I approve of? I've been trying instead to encourage him when he obeys, without overly praising him or acting like I love him more when his behavior satisfies me. What about instead saying about an achievement, "Look at what God helped you accomplish!"? I'm still thinking through helpful wording that's also not too awkward. Let me know if you've figured this out!

Lately and often I've been telling Charlie how much I love him ALL THE TIME. (And I mean using those words, "Charlie, I love you all the time!") I want him to know that my love for him doesn't change based on whether or not he is "good" or based on his behavior in general. I will not be more in love with him when he goes potty on the toilet, or less in love with him when he has an accident on the floor (or even goes on purpose on the floor!). This directly relates to how we view God and how we understand the Gospel. Because of Christ, God is never angry with me. He may discipline me in love (and in fact, if He loves me he most certainly will), but he doesn't punish me or shame me. His love for me doesn't waver based on my "goodness" or my sin, thanks to Jesus taking God's wrath upon himself on my behalf. This was something that was really hard for me to grasp for a long time. I crave people's approval and am afraid to fail because I think I'll let others down and my pride will suffer. This is why I have been thinking about this so much lately in relation to my parenting. I want Charlie to be certain of my love for him and in God's love for him. I want him to be confident in the Lord. I want him to not be afraid to fail, knowing Christ has conquered sin and failures so we no longer have anything to fear. There is forgiveness in Christ and grace to continue on after any kind of failure.

I know one of the pastors at my church, Sam Crabtree, has written a book on the power of affirmation and he touches on many of the above issues. I hope to read it soon (oh the piles of books I want to read!). You can read about it here: Practicing Affirmation.

Let's encourage each other to think critically and biblically about how we parent and what we say to our kids on a daily basis. This parenting stuff isn't easy, but we've been given amazing tools in the principles of the Bible and most of all in the Holy Spirit. Even (especially) as parents, we will fail daily. I do. Let's be open to acknowledging our mistakes or even simple lack of thought about why we do what we do as parents. There is new grace each day!